supposed to be taking notes
I need to trust my intuition more than I have been, though I need to think about whether the goal is to protect myself with this mind of mine, or just keep track of which of its thoughts were realized months after the fact so I can prove I was right, I was smart, I was wise.
Am I wise if all I can do is predict some tragedy, point it out on the horizon and do nothing to change course? I’ve known for a few years now that my goal is not to bleed the prettiest, deepest red, to swallow the bitter cranberry pain with a tear running down my smiling face. But if that’s true, then why do I need to say it?
When did black tea start to feel boring? When did I lose the middle ground between faded, lukewarm coffee and sharp acid liquor? I want warmth. I want taste. I want something to live for.
I want to feel. Is that dangerous? Is it really so far from it that I never feel unless there is danger?
I want to feel, and I want to cure, and I want to convince myself I’m comfortable with this chill across my abdomen. I want to love someone, and I want to wonder if I knew as much about myself before I knew someone who gave me so much more to love in it all.
Why would this be how I feel? Why would I still care for him? Why would I still think of three years ago, three autumns come and gone, and nothing like the feeling of those rainy Saturdays in September, and vaguely alluding to my father and the evils, and a dark green-blue jacket for walking in the yard?
Was he my first love? That seems like it shouldn’t even be a question. But the answer being yes doesn’t convey the significance of it all, does it? I cared before him, and I thought about loving, and I thought about losing. Did I think about hoping, though? Did I think about anything turning out better than I expected?
Was that the first time I hoped?
And was it the last?
I think there might be something there and this isn’t totally new, and foreign, and profound. I’ve thought of aspiring. But I don’t know if I’ve been able to hope since it all happened. I hope I will learn to again…is learn the right word? No, I think it isn’t.
