reflection — Saturday, April 12th 2025
There are a number of sub-universal truths that float ambiguously between the categories of common knowledge and urban legend, because we shouldn’t all have heard them so many times, but we have.
- When the first movie was shown, people ran out of the theater because they thought a train was really coming at them.
- El Niño
- Sitcom is an abbreviation of situational comedy.
- The best part about math is that it’s black and white, there is one correct answer.
- Sylvia Plath fig tree simile
The last of these facts is that the Ancient Greeks supposedly had 7 or 8 distinct words for love. I wanted to see if that was true, and to find a new way to think about love because I am, as my heart is, broken. So I tried to find out what they all were, and what the real difference was between them, because although the familial/platonic/romantic distinction is easily discernable, I don’t know if you can call much beyond that love.
As it turns out, the Greeks had their own word for what later was essentially termed by psychologist Carl Rogers as unconditional positive regard. They had a word for the hospitality and reciprocity expected in interactions with travelling guests. Of course there was eros, for passion and intimacy, and, depending on the source, there might be two or three others that I don’t at present feel the need to mention.
The three I want to focus on here are philia, agape, and storge. Yes, I’m missing all sorts of accents above the letters and I’m sure the way I’m saying those words in my head is nowhere near correct. But for ease of reading and writing, please pardon my inaccuracies. Here goes. Philia is defined as a dispassionate, affectionate relationship between equals; a friendship. You might see it equated with brotherly love. Agape is slightly more complicated, and since I’m no expert I’ll just say it might mean love for god, good will toward another person, or respect for the dead. Our third and final word of the day is storge, which I like because it looks funny, and it means the natural bond between parents and children, as well as the common enthusiasm or patriotism among a large group toward some representing body like a team or a leader.
Why? What do I care? What do you care? Well, I can’t answer the third one for you, because that’s the one thing I can’t control…you simply care or you don’t. This is universal. But to the first two, I’m thinking of this because yesterday I remembered what it’s like to build a relationship. I think an awful lot about what’s meant to happen or what naturally, inextricably exists in the interaction of two parties, about soulmates and twin flames and whatever other kitschy, pinterest-y name you want to give to what, to me, is love, and “you’re important to me”, and I think about you when you’re not here. But I think in doing this I’ve disregarded the significance of philia, to practice my new vocabulary, or it’s agape, maybe, with a hint of storge: the friendship that wasn’t always there, that doesn’t feel predestined or like puzzle pieces that need each other to form a whole picture. But it feels instead like painting a new picture, like two hands, with two paintbrushes, and two pretty colors that go real well together.
Some friendships last forever. Some don’t. Some are situational, convenience-dependent, while some transcend the separation of physical distance, and others yet may be the literal love of your life. But those distinctions aren’t what matter to me. Because I have a friendship that’s a perfect blend of philia, agape, and storge. I drive her around and try to give her advice (she’s my storge daughter), but we’re basically the same age (philia; sister), and we aren’t exactly two sides of the same coin, nor is there an invisible string that’s tied us perfectly together all our lives to this culminating point, but somewhere between us is a sense of shared agape, a common calmness and respect for what’s outside of us and beyond us (even if we do try to control everything that we can).
I love this friend of mine, and I’m very happy to be painting this picture with her. I don’t know whose soul mine will be tied to next, but after the heartbreaking devotion and unrequited desperation of my last attachment, it feels good to be reminded that the expectation of love doesn’t have to be a void in your mind that weighs everything down, a black hole that sucks in your whole world. It can be a pretty watercolor sky, or a rainy day car talk, or a text that makes you smile without making you blush.
To friends.
To philia, agape, and storge.
The Dilemma Of It All 