journal entry — Thursday, June 20th 2024
What I tell myself is happening is what keeps happening. If I’m on the fence between beautiful happy amazing and horrible unbearable depressed, and I keep thinking and saying everything is difficult and I want to kill myself, I’ll keep feeling that way. If all my premonitions involve everything going horribly wrong, that’s not a party trick, it’s OCD. If everything I think about and remember from the past is the bad stuff and where I went wrong and when I felt self-conscious, it will keep happening. We remember history to AVOID repeating it, and you won’t be able to unless you’re sure that’s what you want. Better to overcorrect than never grow (even if it seems like only change, not necessarily growth. It’ll get there and you’ll see along the way).
Anyways, you can’t half-ass healing. This used to be my favorite thing! Recovery?! Comfort?! Getting better after something hard!!! This is amazing and it’s right here for me. I can literally do everything I want in this vision of my next summer. I have the boyfriend, and the job, and the time to work on my college apps, and my mom, and my sister soon, and the car, and the lack of issues with the simple things like eating! And sleeping! So I’m not going to make the biggest mistake of my life and fumble this.
So I’m going to do everything I can do. And hopefully this will even get me into the productive mindset I need for this fall.
NO Gossip Girl! It is upsetting.
NO checking people’s location. It does in no way help.
NO social media right when I wake up/before bed.
NO Phoebe Bridgers. We’ve been over this.
NO exceeding the screen time limit on TikTok.
NO waiting to eat breakfast. Eat by 9.
NO “forgetting” meals. If you don’t have hunger cues, get your shit together and look at the time.
NO lying. You’ll be funny when you’re happy.
NO saving Tumblr-Pinterest quotes. They’re not that profound.
NO excess playlists.
NO things that Teen PEP prohibits.
The Dilemma Of It All 